The Perfect Pastor Chain Letter

I know this is old, but I recently came across it in my old files and couldn’t resist. If you ever gotten a chain letter, and who hasn’t, you know that you stop the circulation of it at your own peril. There is a price to pay – maybe not the gates of hell opening up, but a price anyway. So, I’m throwing it out there and dumping it on your lap. Should you decide not to continue the circulation – well, let’s just say, “I wouldn’t want to be you.”


The perfect pastor does indeed exist – you’ve never met them, but you know they are out there. This is a sure-fire way of guaranteeing that you will be served by the perfect pastor, should you have enough faith to do what is necessary. First, just in case you have never dreamed of the perfect pastor, he/she must be defined:

….The perfect pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.   The perfect pastor condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings. 

….The perfect pastor works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

….The perfect pastor makes $100 a week, wears stylish clothes, drives a new car that reflects well on your church, buys ten excellent books each week, and donates $80 a week to the parish. 

….The perfect pastor is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience. 

Above all, the perfect pastor is very attractive.

….The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teen-agers, and he/she spends most of his/her time with the senior citizens. 

….The perfect pastor  smiles all the time with a straight face because she has a sense of humor that keeps him/her seriously dedicated to the parish.

….The perfect pastor makes 15 home visits a day and is always in the office to be handy when needed.

….The perfect pastor  always has time for parish council and all of its committees.  He/she never misses the meeting of any parish organization, and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

….The perfect pastor is broken enough to understand all people, but perfect in mental, emotional and physical health.

….The Perfect Pastor is always in the next parish over where your friend attends church.

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other parishes that are tired of their pastor too.  Then bundle up your pastor and send him/her to the parish at the top of your list.  If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors from which to choose.  One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter – it works.  But beware! One parish broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months.

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That's too bad - I'm so sorry. Oh, well, just try to make the best of it. What you'll find here is a variety of essays and ramblings to do with things theological, social, whimsical and, sometimes, all three. I don't write to get famous - trust me, I've been told how futile that would be - but to express myself. I love to communicate and browbeat - ummm, I mean dialogue - about the things I find intriguing. Since you're here, and the door's locked, why don't you stay a while. There's a page bar under the header with links to information about us - I mean me. Don't forget to tell me what you think - in a nice way, I mean.

Readers since Jan 2009

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